Single Women and Social Events

Now that that we're in the midst of the holiday season, invitations and opportunities for attending social events come our way, sometimes in dizzying numbers. But if you're a single female, how do you handle parties and get-togethers where most of the other guests are couples? Even if you're around old friends, do you feel comfortable? Is a new group easier or more difficult to deal with than people you've known longer?

Earlier a reader commented that now that she is no longer part of a couple, she feels awkward in social situations with couples. Have you mastered a satisfactory solution to socializing? Do you have strategies that make it easier? Please share your experiences with all of us. This is certainly a time of year when discussion and advice will be appreciated.

If you haven't commented yet, be aware that you can do so without identifying yourself. Just click on "Anonymous."

Are Single Women Husband Hunting?

I put this question to some of my single friends who willingly answered not only for themselves but reported discussions they've had with their friends about the husband issue. I can't allege that is a statistically valid sampling but it does include a fair number of women ranging in age from their fifties to eighties. Surprising to me, the answer to the question was a resounding "No."

I got a variety of responses for not being in the husband-hunting mode: not emotionally ready for a serious/permanent relationship, financial reasons, and not willing to make the effort of adjusting to living with a new guy. I think the most frequently cited reason was the simple joy of living alone - not being responsible for anyone, doing what you want when you want, eating leftover Halloween candy for dinner if you feel like it.

Many women voiced an interest in having single male friends in their lives, companions for going to the movies, dinner, and social events. I personally like the idea of having a mix of male and female friends. I think it adds a balance of opinion and perspective.

How do you feel about husband hunting? Do you agree or disagree with the women who were represented in this post? Do you want men in your life as friends? Are there other issues to discuss?

Creating Who You Will Be

One of the great things about passing fifty or sixty is having the opportunity to create the person you want to be for the rest of your life.  So much of who we were and what we did in our earlier lives was dictated by circumstances, usually the big three - children, job, spouse.

When my youngest child approached college age, I knew change was inevitable in my life.  There was a definite sadness about the last of the litter leaving the nest but there was, also, an impending sense of freedom.  A fresh start.  Seriously, how often do we get a chance to start over?  Whether being single is your choice or thrust upon you, change is imminent.

I began to welcome change and, by being aware it loomed in my not-so-distant future, I started thinking about what kind of life I wanted.  I didn't have a master plan but I was open to possibilities.  The idea of fiction writing came to me during a trip when the locale took my mind back a hundred years and I couldn't wait to write a story about what I imagined happened then.  Once I started writing, I was hooked and a new career emerged.  I'm so grateful to wake up every morning with a goal, a purpose, something to accomplish that interests and excites me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have an unfinished chapter waiting for my attention.

An unexpected bonus of writing has been meeting other writers, especially women who are talented, dynamic, and unbelievably involved in writing and promoting the craft.  Being associated with such creative and energetic people fuels my enthusiasm and propels me to work harder.

Each woman has to find her own passion but the search is worth the effort.  I have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and I'm amazed at the variety of productive ways they're using their abilities and gifts.

I'd like to hear from women who've discovered their fresh start or are in the process of searching.

Divorce and Friendships

A topic that's been mentioned to me several times since I started this blog is the toll divorce takes on friendships. Of course, most women have an inner circle of girlfriends who support them no matter what. Thank goodness for them because they are true friends who've become firmly anchored to you over the course of decades of happiness and despair - yours and theirs. These girlfriends aren't going anywhere. They're with you.

But what about mutual friends of the couple? This is where it gets sticky because some of these friends will take sides with him or her. Even if no big divisive issue like infidelity is involved, picking and choosing sides comes into play. There's not a lot you can do to change the situation other than trying to salvage worthwhile individual friendships outside the realm of couple-dom. Others will disappear from your life. Their choice..

A completely opposite situation which seems kind of 4th grade to me comes about when one of the divorcing couple tells their friends they have to choose between him or her. They can't be friends with both. It strikes me as being easy to spot the jerk in this couple.

I'm sure this doesn't cover all the friendship complications brought on by divorce. Please add Comments about your experiences as a divorcee or a friend caught in the middle. I'm, also, interested how the death of a spouse affects friendships.

The blog has had a good response in its few weeks online. I hope you'll start leaving more Comments. I'm searching for guidance from you and answers to questions we're all facing!

Starting Over: A Profile

Stories of women starting over and creating new lives for themselves come from unexpected sources. A few nights ago I watched an episode of HGTV's House Hunters and became more interested in the obstacles the house-hunter had faced in her life than the details of the houses themselves.

The woman looked like she was in her 40's, the mother of two college-age children, and divorced for three years. It's what she did in those three years that sets her apart from others who might've been in a similar situation. For financial reasons, she had to move back in with her mother, not easy for an adult woman with grown children. But she used the arrangement wisely by going back to college, finishing her degree, getting a professional position as a para-legal, and saving for a house.

When she had enough money for a down payment, she established a realistic budget of how much house she could afford along with reasonable expectations of what she wanted in the way of amenities and stuck with the plan. After putting some sweat equity into her new property, she ended up with a lovely home for herself and children when they were home from school.

The beauty of the story was the pure joy and pride in this woman's face that she'd chosen and bought this house, painted, furnished and decorated it to her tastes, and was handling the mortgage by herself, the first time she'd ever been solely responsible for house payments.

In addition to her hard work, a positive attitude was crucial to her success. Even though she had some anxiety about shouldering the complete financial responsibility, she rose above it with determination she could pull this off.

The role of attitude's a topic for another post!

Hitting Fifty

When I was twenty-one, I never imagined I'd someday be fifty years old. I didn't have premonitions of an early check-out, it was simply that I couldn't picture myself aging. Fresh out of college, life stretched before me. It'd take forever for me to use up all those decades.

Once I got into the whirlwind of life - marriage, children, divorce, graduate school, career - I didn't have time to be aware of the passage of time. While I was busy living life, the years piled up. When doctors and accountants asked my age, I was surprised to hear my answer. Was I really talking about me? But it had happened and I was fifty and then I was sixty.

Since I've never been terribly conventional, my life at 50 was strikingly different from most of the women I knew at that time. I'd had three sons by birth in my 20's and 30's. I wanted a girl for my family so, at the age of 42, I adopted a baby girl from Korea who turned out to be so cool, I adopted birth sisters from Central America (a four-year-old and an infant) when I was 48. I hit fifty with three young daughters! My life as a hands-on mom - from the time my first son was born to the graduation of my youngest daughter from college - would eventually span forty-six years. It wasn't unusual for a week to include dealing with my sons' college issues, making jello jigglers for the girls' pre-school, and researching a paper for a grad school class.

Most of us hit fifty or sixty or seventy after years of chock-full activity and face major changes. Careers end or change. Children move on. In many cases, husbands leave, either through death or divorce.

This blog is dedicated to those women over fifty who are single, forging ahead on their own, making their own way. Being a single in mid-life is far different from being a hot-looking twenty-one year old. Everything from friendship groups to dining out to going to church to traveling can feel strange. How do we do the things that are important and fun without feeling awkward and uncomfortable?

I'll post topics about situations I've encountered and hope you'll respond with your experiences and how you've resolved them. I've noticed books and courses for sale on how to handle ourselves but I think our personal observations and discussions will be far more helpful. Please feel free to suggest topics through the blog or by email.

I look forward to reading your comments.